Three Reasons Why Behavioral Change is So Hard

Photo by Fallon Michael (@fallonmichaeltx) via Unsplash

Us humans, we’re really a complicated bunch- especially when it comes to our behaviors!! The reasons why we start doing things, why we continue doing things, why it’s hard to change the way we do things, and how we stop doing things can be varied and complex. What’s true and what works for one person, isn’t true (or doesn’t work) for another person.

Human brains are shaped and morphed by our experiences, environments, and the world around us. The brain is an amazing, adaptive organ with diverse regions that function to keep us safe and alive. Throughout our lifetimes, we develop countless behaviors to support our basic needs, personal hygiene, work, transportation, relationships, among many other things.

There are reasons that we perform behaviors in the manner and frequency that we do- our behaviors are akin to unique fingerprints! That said, not all behaviors that we participate in or perform are adaptive or sustaining to our health and well-being. When we find ourselves in a situation where our behaviors are impacting us negatively and we want to make changes, it’s not uncommon for behavior change to be immensely challenging.

Our behaviors take a long time to develop and are shaped by our continued experiences. It’s not realistic that we’d be able to quickly and permanently shift behaviors without experimentation, practice, and self-compassion. It takes time to unlearn and relearn new ways of being/doing things/thinking about things.

Three Reasons Behavior Change is So Hard

Here are three reasons why behavioral change is so hard:

1) Behaviors are often automatic and performed on “autopilot.”

There’s safety and certainty in behavioral patterns, even if they’re not supportive of our well-being. Human beings crave familiarity and safety. Once we learn how to do something, or we start doing something in a particular way, it’s easier to continue doing things the same way. Our brain has developed a pathway for a particular behavior, and it’s performed similarly each time we engage in it.

I invite you to consider how many things you do on a daily basis without pausing to think through the steps. Let’s consider dental hygiene as an example. I’d wager a bet that you brush and floss your teeth in a particular way and that you do this on autopilot without thinking too much about the steps.

Suppose you decided to buy a water flossing toothbrush to replace your standard toothbrush. A new toothbrush will require you to change your dental hygiene behaviors, and you will need to adjust to a new rhythm. This will likely involve slowing down to learn new steps and then repeating them daily until you have developed a new pattern of toothbrushing.

One of the first steps in the behavioral change process is to complete a “deep dive” on the behavior you wish to change. This will allow you to slow down, thoughtfully understand the motivation behind the behavior, and to observe how you perform the behavior step-by-step. Trying to change a behavior without understanding more about the behavior can be an exercise in futility. It’s difficult to intervene and to make changes without understanding the complexity and nuances of your behaviors!

2) We tend to judge our behaviors (and ability to make changes) in moral terms.

When we judge our behaviors rather than observe them in a curious, neutral way we may have the tendency to become overwhelmed and demoralized well before we initiate the change process. If we label a behavior as “bad” or “unhealthy” it can increase feelings of shame and get in the way of us understanding the behavior more fully. Ultimately these judgments and feelings might interfere with us starting the change process or prevent us from seeking out support when we need it.

We do things for a reason and our behaviors serve in one (or many) ways. It takes courage and introspection to approach our behaviors, and the change process, gently and compassionately. The way that we talk to ourselves matters. A place to start is to practice neutralizing your self-talk. If you label a behavior as “bad” pause and reframe it. For example- if you hear yourself say “I shouldn’t be eating chocolate, it’s unhealthy” pause and say, “I’m eating chocolate.”

3) We expect change to occur quickly (& for the changes to be permanent).

I’m always wary of providers who promise their patients/clients “quick results” when it comes to behavior change. There’s nothing quick about the change process. The longer a behavior has existed, the longer it takes to unlearn it/relearn a more adaptive behavior.

There’s no magic number of days or a particular time period that anyone can recommend if you want to change a behavior or behaviors. Each person is different, each behavioral pattern is unique, and behavior change is a process rather than an outcome. It’s not possible to predict how the process will go, what challenges someone will face, or whether there will be “permanent” change.

For instance, if you’ve struggled with bulimia nervosa and daily purging for more than 20 years it’s unrealistic to assume that this behavior will immediately stop and disappear permanently. More likely, the occurrences of purging become less intense and less frequent over time, hopefully leading to purging being a rare occurrence rather than a daily issue. More, if there is an urge in the future to engage in the behavior there is the hope that someone will be aware of their vulnerability and use skills to lessen the likelihood of participating in the behavior.

If you could use some assistance with behavior change, click here to learn more about my services. I’m happy to help!!